Communicating with your children

Your children are more likely to confide in you if you take an interest in them and what they like doing:

• Spend time with them and do things with them
• Make time to talk and listen
• If they want to talk, make time and listen
• Talk with them, not to them
• Ask them questions and encourage them to ask you questions
• Listen to what they say and take it seriously
• Encourage them to discuss things with you
• Share your values with them, but don’t impose them
• Share information about yourself with them (it’s not a one-way system – you can’t expect your children to share things with you if you don’t do the same)
• Respect their right not to tell you everything: children need privacy and secrets too. Depending on their age and stage, they won’t want to be under a constant spotlight

It’s good to be an active part of your children’s education (even if your experience at school wasn’t always positive). It makes a big difference to how they learn and how well they do (for life). Schools are keen for parents to be involved – it’s an important part of Scotland’s Curriculum for Excellence which children follow from age 3 to age 18. Parentzone Scotland has info about how parents can be involved.

How and when you and your children speak about more difficult issues will depend on their age and what they’re like. Try talking while you’re out for a walk or doing something together – having other things to focus on while talking might help your child feel more open and relaxed. Sitting round the table eating isn’t likely to be a great time because your child might feel like they’re being put under pressure. It can help if you take the lead from them, and notice what works for your child.

Useful links

• ParentClub from the Scottish Government covers all kinds of issues, from birth to pre-teens. There’s a section all about behaviour, with tips which might help you with talking to your children when things are challenging.
• It also has lots of advice about helping your child to learn and play, including this article on tips for supporting your child’s learning at school.
• Parenting across Scotland has ten tips for ‘parenting teenagers’ which includes communicating. 
• The NHS has advice on talking to younger children about feelings, and on helping teenagers to open up about what’s bothering them. 
• Cbeebies also has tips, video and activities to help young children talk about emotions. 
• The Montessori Notebook has ten tips for communicating with children of different ages.
• The National Parent Forum of Scotland has information about Scotland’s Curriculum for Excellence and how you can support your child. 
• The Cyrenians Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution runs events and provides information to help parents on topics like ‘Growing up is never easy’.

There are many kinds of communication and children are smart – they pick up a lot:

• Don’t assume they haven’t heard something just because you’ve not said it directly to them
• Within limits, it’s better to include children in difficult conversations than not
• When they know something is up, but aren’t sure what, they can blame themselves or create worse scenarios in their heads
• Be honest with your children. For example, at handover times to their other parent, prepare them for the handover. Explain what will happen and when and how
• Let your children know that you’ve made mistakes in life and tell them some of the things that you would do differently if you had the chance. This gives children permission to confide in you about any mistakes they make too

Useful links

• We have more advice on talking to children about bereavement or separation, introducing children to a new partner and dealing with your co-parent having a new partner in the My Relationships pages.
• NSPCC has advice on talking about difficult topics with children.  
• Common Sense Media has advice on talking to children about difficult subjects that they might have heard about in the news or on social media.
• If your child has autism you might have to think more creatively to find the best way of communicating with your child. National Autistic Society has some tips to guide you. It also has a short video to help explain autism to children.

How you are with your children and other people sets an example. They look to you to see how to cope or express feelings or say what they need. They will likely copy how you go about things. 

So, it’s good to think about the example that you are setting your children. 

You can’t be perfect. No parent can. If you can: 

• Be open
• Be kind
• Let them know that their opinions and feelings matter, and that they have a say about their life
• Help them learn how to cope so they can deal with difficult things and their own emotions 
• Respect what they say or think as that will help them respect what you say or think
• Avoid being cruel or sarcastic or ridiculing your children
• Lower your voice and sound firm rather than shouting or pleading if you need to call them out

All of this is easier if you look after yourself and have people to talk to when you need to. You can find more advice about this in our wellbeing pages.

Separation usually involves working out how to communicate effectively with your child’s other parent. This might be difficult at first, but there’s lots of advice and support around.

If your child has contact with their other parent, it’s really important that they see the two of you communicating positively and not being negative about each other.

But this advice depends on the circumstances. You have no control over what your child’s other parent does or says.

If your child’s other parent either can’t or won’t have contact with them, or if their contact is inconsistent, this can be upsetting for your child, whatever the circumstances around it. It’s important to explain to your child why this is happening in a way which lets them know it is not their fault and that they are loved and valued.

Even when things are like this, it is best not to speak harshly about their other parent, especially when they may be too young to fully understand the situation. Doing this could make them feel worse, and it might get in the way of your relationship with them. It’s better to allow your child to make up their own mind in their own time, while also being realistic with them about what to expect.

When domestic abuse is a factor, safe contact or any communication may be impossible. You and your child may need specialist support. Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is for anyone affected by domestic abuse. It’s open 24 hours for phone, webchat and email support.

Useful links

• This NHS site has information about bringing up a child on your own.
• Relationships Scotland has ‘parenting apart’ materials for children, young people and parents, and offers courses and mediation for parents wanting support. It runs child contact centres around Scotland which can be used when it’s difficult or unsafe for both parents to meet at ‘handover’ times. 
• Scottish Women’s Aid has useful materials and links to local Women’s Aid groups. Local Women’s Aid groups have specialist children’s workers.