Support for you during the holidays

We all know Christmas usually revolves around food. Because of this, it can be a really difficult time of year for those with an eating disorder.

Many children in the UK struggle with eating. It’s fairly common for kids to be picky, but eating disorders are not the same as just being a bit of a fussy eater.

Eating disorders are serious mental health conditions. If your child or teen is showing signs of an eating disorder, it’s a good idea to go to the GP with them.

Find out more about the different types of eating disorder and the signs that someone might be developing an eating disorder on NHS inform.

• Anyone of any age, gender or background can develop an eating disorder at any time of life.
• There are many different kinds of eating disorder, including: Anorexia Nervosa (AN); Binge Eating Disorder (BED); Bulimia Nervosa; and the more recently discussed Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID).
• It’s fairly common for someone with an eating disorder to have another related condition as well. This can include, but is not limited to, conditions such as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OSD), complex trauma and anxiety.
• If you notice signs or symptoms of another condition, it’s a good idea to bring this up with your doctor.

What to do if you think your child has an eating disorder

If you think your child has an eating disorder, it might be helpful to both you and your child if you can find out some more information about eating disorders.

Scottish Action for Mental Health has a helpful guidebook you can download about eating problems.

Remember that talking about an eating disorder needs to be handled carefully, as it is a sensitive topic for the person going through it.

Beat eating disorders has advice on what to do if you’re worried about a friend or family member.

• No matter the time of year, if you’re worried about your child’s health it’s a good idea to let them know you’re concerned and take them to the GP.
• If your child is old enough to go to the GP by themself, you could offer to go with them.
• Tips from ParentClub on how to speak to your child or teen about eating disorders.
• Your child may not know if they have an eating disorder. They might even deny it if you bring it up, or attempt to change the subject because it may be too difficult for them to talk about.
• There’s no one “normal” reaction to this type of conversation, but it’s a good idea to be aware that different children and young people will respond differently.
• Remember that even if your child denies that anything is wrong, this may not be the case and they may be struggling in silence.
• Tips from Beat eating disorders on how to support someone with an eating disorder.
• Many autistic people find that they have difficulties with eating, sometimes from a young age. This can be to do with sensory needs, struggling with emotions, social challenges and a strong need for routines and rules.
• The National Autistic Society has a useful guide about ASD and eating.
• More information about autism and eating disorders from Beat eating disorders.
• Remember that eating disorders are complex and need to be treated by medical professionals. Don’t try and deal with it by yourself at home if you think it’s more than just a picky eating phase.
• FEAST has information about treatment options for children with eating disorders.
• It’s really understandable to feel nervous and upset if your child is struggling with food. You may feel overwhelmed by all of the information and it can be extremely difficult to see your child struggling with something which may seem as simple to others as eating a meal.
• Be kind to yourself and remember that with the right support in place, your child should be able to manage their eating disorder with time. Many people fully recover from eating disorders with the right treatment.
• Support is available for you as well as your child. Speak to trusted friends and family and remember to give yourself breaks where possible.
• Supported has carers support for parents and carers who look after someone with an eating disorder.

Preparing for Christmas

If your child has an eating disorder and the holiday season is coming up, it’s a good idea to try and speak to them about Christmas.

A bit of planning and a low-pressure discussion about their thoughts and feelings can help to relieve their worries as well as yours.

• Set aside some quiet time to speak to your child in a safe place and avoid discussing difficult topics at meal times.
• You know your child best and you’ll know how they might prefer to talk about things.
• Some children prefer to speak about their feelings while you’re both doing something else like watching TV. Other children might prefer to have a comforting object like a favourite teddy.
• Ask your child how they’re feeling about Christmas. It tends to be best not to mention food unless they bring it up. Are they excited? Nervous? Unsure? They might even feel that they don’t want to take part in the festivities if they’re feeling anxious. Reassure them that whatever they are feeling is valid.
• Try to avoid comparing this Christmas with previous years when things may have been different.
• Reassure your child that you love them and let them know that if they need to come and speak to you at any time throughout the holidays, you will be there for them.
• Let them know that if they need to go to their room to relax on Christmas day, they can. Try not to stop them from doing this even if you’re with other friends and family.
• If you’re going to be at someone else’s house, maybe you could talk to your child about where they might feel safe there. Let them know they can go to their safe space any time they need to.
• Does your child have any siblings? Depending on their age, it might be a good idea to have a discussion with your other children about how they can show their sibling extra understanding and kindness while they go through something tricky this Christmas.
• Reassure your other children and let them know that you are managing things with the doctors so that they don’t feel pressured or like they need to take on any adult responsibilities.
• Some children and young people with eating disorders may experience personality changes. The illness can “override” rational thoughts, which can lead to aggressive, moody or hurtful behaviour, even if they never displayed this before.
• If your child lashes out at you or their siblings, try and remember that they still love all of you and they are going through something extremely difficult. Remind any other children of this too.
• Beat eating disorders has more advice for siblings of someone with an eating disorder.

Managing food over the holidays

• Try to keep meal timings as regular as possible over the holidays to keep things grounded around your normal routines and avoid disruption.
• Stick to what you would make for meals like breakfast as much as possible on and around Christmas.
• If your child usually has a snack at a certain time of day, or likes to eat something specific for breakfast each day, ensure that they still get these foods at their regular times.
• It’s important to keep these little touchstones of normality over the holidays for your child, even if this means you have to bring snacks in the car or hand out some snacks at someone else’s house while you wait for Christmas dinner.

Managing Christmas dinner

• It’s a good idea to let any adult loved ones who will be joining you for Christmas know that your child is dealing with some difficulties around eating. You do not have to go into detail if you’d rather not, but it may help others understand your child’s situation.
• If you feel comfortable, you could ask loved ones to avoid chat about food whilst eating, such as remarks about how big the meal is or things like New Years diets.
• It may also help to let loved ones know to avoid comments about your child’s appearance this year.
• Even a well-intended comment like “you look lovely” or “you’re looking well” can easily be misinterpreted by someone going through an eating disorder. These comments can feel like compliments to others, but might make your child feel upset or uncomfortable.
• The NHS advice around Christmas dinner for those with eating disorders is that a help-yourself buffet is often better than plating everyone up with the same set meal. This takes the pressure off of having a “clean plate” at the end of the meal and allows everyone to choose however big or small a portion they like as well as which specific foods they want to eat.
• If a buffet option is not possible, for example if you are going to another family member’s house where everyone is going to be eating a traditional Christmas dinner, ask your child what they would like to have to eat.
• Let your child know in advance that they don’t need to have the same Christmas dinner as everyone else. You could even suggest some foods you know they might feel more comfortable with eating.
• Although having a different arrangement with your child for their dinner might involve you taking on some more food preparation and having a conversation with the person hosting, it can be a good way to help your child feel more at ease around the meal if they feel they have some choice.
• Don’t ask your child to be involved in the meal prep or clean up after, as this can add unnecessary pressure around the meal for them.
• Try to shift the attention onto other things after the meal. For example, it might be a good idea to plan to watch a film or play some board games as a family straight after dinner.
• Whether you’re hosting Christmas or traveling to take part in the festivities, it can be exhausting to manage the holidays while caring for someone who has an eating disorder.
• If you will be around trusted friends and family members, you may be able to let them watch the kids while you take breaks or you could ask them to help you with preparing dinner if you’re hosting.

Different families will have different experiences and something that works for one child may not work for another – there is no one size fits all solution with eating disorders.

Some parents have told us that if their children go to their other parent’s for Christmas, they feel lonely and miss their children. Sometimes this can mean that parents aren’t able to relax and enjoy time to themselves.

This is understandable, especially if this is the first Christmas you’ve been separated.

• You might want to enjoy the time at home watching a film, relaxing in the bath, or meeting up with friends to distract yourself
• You might want to get dressed up for Christmas, or you might prefer to have a relaxed pyjama day
• You might want to find new people to talk to or spend time with, restart an old hobby, or learn something new. There are websites such as  meetup.com  where you can search for groups in your area with similar interests
• You can also chat online with other parents on our Forum, or use chat rooms such as  Netmums  or  Mumsnet
• If you can’t be with the people you would like to be with this Christmas you might want to have a chat, drink, quiz or some fun with them via video chat
• We have some tips here for dealing with anxiety and stress
• Here are some tips for coping with generally low mood, anxiety and stress
• We have some tips on connecting with others, which you can use during the holiday season
• Here are some tips for improving your self-esteem and confidence, which can be useful if you’re feeling down around the Christmas period or if you know you’re going to be celebrating by yourself this year

Different people find different things work best for them and their family – there is no one size fits all solution and you’re the expert of yourself. Most importantly, try to relax and enjoy your time.

If you have, or are caring for someone with a disability, Christmas and winter can be an especially tricky time of year. Here are some resources to help you financially and mentally.

• Information about caring for a child with complex needs
• Information about Child Disability Payment and Child Winter Heating Payment
• Information on the financial help available if you are not able to work
• Information about the Carer Support Payment, which has replaced Carer’s Allowance in Scotland
• Some health and wellbeing tips
• Tips on feeling less lonely and connecting with others
• Some tips for understanding mental health issues, from Scottish Action for Mental Health
• Some support for dealing with mental health over Christmas, including information about which helplines are open over the holidays
• The National Autistic Society has a useful page about preparing for Christmas for autistic people and their families
• Ambitious About Autism is a charity which has lots of useful information for parents who have an autistic child
• Scottish Autism provides support to people in Scotland who live with autism
• There is more general information about autism on the NHS website
• There is more general information about ADHD on the NHS website
• Some extra resources about ADHD from the NHS
• A parent’s story about preparing for Christmas with a deaf child, from the National Deaf Children’s Society
• Deaf-friendly Christmas gift ideas, from the National Deaf Children’s Society
• Guidance on if it is your first Christmas caring for a deaf child, from the National Deaf Children’s Society
• Some general information about Deafblindness, from Deafblind Scotland

Coping with bereavement at Christmas can be extremely difficult, especially as a single parent with so many things to juggle.

Whether this is your first Christmas without a loved one or not, you might find that you have more intense emotions around this time of year. That’s okay. Remember that grief comes in many different forms and is different for everyone.

It can be really difficult to open up, but it’s important to talk to someone you trust about how you feel, as it can help to take the weight off of your shoulders.

Here are some resources you might find useful.

• Sue Ryder has an information page full of coping strategies if you are struggling with grief or bereavement at Christmas
• YoungMinds is a charity for young people. Their website is full of resources to help young people and their parents through difficult times
• Grief Encounter has a page containing resources for coping with grief
• Scottish Families Affected by Alcohol and Drugs has a page about getting through Christmas when you are grieving someone
• Beatson Cancer Charity is a Scottish charity for those affected by Cancer and their loved ones. Here is a useful page about grief and bereavement at Christmas
• Help and advice from Child Bereavement UK for if you are under 18 and your mum or dad has passed away
• Help and advice from Child Bereavement UK for if you are aged 18 to 25 and your mum or dad has passed away
• If you need to talk to someone but don’t know where to go, you can call us on our Helpline on 0808 801 0323. We are here to listen to you without judgement, stigma or bias.
• If you would rather not talk on the phone, you can use our online webchat by clicking here or you can drop us an email at advice@opfs.org.uk.
• We also have a single parent forum here, where like-minded parents post queries and others post answers to these. Our advisors monitor the chat and can answer questions too. This can be a really good way to feel like part of a community with other single parents. It can also be useful to get advice and information from people in a similar situation to you.

It can be really hard to talk about grief during the festive period. You might feel like you’re ruining the Christmas spirit – but this isn’t the case.

Just take a moment to imagine how you would react if one of your friends or loved ones came to you to tell you about their grief.

Most likely, you would make time to listen to them and offer them kindness and love. Now apply that logic to yourself, and to how others might care for you. Try and see yourself through the eyes of someone who cares for you in these moments of self-doubt.

Remember to be kind to yourself. If you feel like you can’t celebrate Christmas the same way as you used to, that’s okay. Whether you need to remove yourself from it all or just part of it, either way it’s okay.

Trying to do one or two small things for yourself around the festive period is enough. Whether it’s taking a walk or a bath, having a friend visit or phone you, or simply getting dressed.

Separation from a partner is tough at any time of year, and Christmas is no exception.

If you have recently separated from a partner and are about to have your first Christmas as a single parent, you are not alone. Below are some links to help you with separating

• Our guide to separation
• Some one-to-one support options when separating in Scotland
• Options on making plans for your children when you are separating
• A list of services who can help you through the process of separating in Scotland
• Citizen’s Advice Scotland has a page here about how to get a divorce in Scotland
• Our My Life and Me page about separating and your emotions during this time

Regardless of the time of year, the most important thing when separating from a partner is that you and your children are safe. Below are some resources for keeping yourself and your children safe through your separation from your partner.

• A page containing support for if your ex-partner is abusive 
• Citizen’s Advice Scotland has a useful page to help you find out if you are in an abusive relationship, and what to do if you are. This page has a feature that lets you exit it quickly if you need to
• The Scottish Government website has a resource page for female victims of domestic abuse. This page has a feature that lets you exit it quickly if you need to

If you are unsure about the benefits you might be entitled to now that you are separated, you can call our helpline. We can run a free check for you and talk you through your options going forward. Free phone 0808 801 0323 to get in touch with an advisor.